Conference Expansion

The traditional conferences of the NCAA are breaking down. Both the Pac-10 and the Big Ten are talking expansion and much of it largely at the expense of the Big 12, which in a few weeks won't be able to call itself that any longer. Dan Wetzel of Yahoo Sports, and a fellow UMass alum, wrote a scathing write-up on expansion and focused, in particular, on Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe and his lack of skills, intelligence, foresight, and penis. He rips him good.

The long and short of it is the Big Ten and the Pac-10 are looking to form a pair of super conferences and are actively pillaging top teams from other conferences. Recently, the battle has grown even more epic in scale. The Big Ten have reported sewn up agreements not only with top teams from the ACC and Big East but have reached north and attracted the Saskatchewan Roughriders and the Edmonton Eskimos from the CFL. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers are reportedly holding out for more money, somehow not realizing that they are in fact from Winnipeg. With that kind of aggressive marketing by Big Ten commissioner, Jim Delany, Larry Scott of the Pac-10 had to respond.

Scott considered going radical, ignoring the geographical logic of his historic conference and inviting Duke and Florida State to the Pac-10. Take that, Delany! But Scott went much bigger. Why settle for Stanford East and another school with ridiculously hot fans and ridiculously low SATs when you already have Arizona State? Larry Scott has gone intergalactic. Battlestar InterGalactica to be exact. That's right kids, he has invited the Blue and Gold teams from BSG's (the cool kids call it BSG) Triad league to join the Pac-10.

Starbuck and Apollo throwing down at Pauley Pavilion? Boomer and random mustache dude getting run out of the gym at Maples? Picture it because it's gonna happen. Of course, these teams will enjoy a distinct home court advantage as most players in the Pac-10 just haven't trained for the rigors of Triad and space travel. Insiders have revealed to me that Lane Kiffin has already been in touch with Baltar about getting a few Cylons to visit the USC campus. It's unclear if there have been any violations. But as it is with most NCAA violations, the coach will move on to next job, leaving the kids he recruited and their families behind to suffer. I almost feel sorry for Baltar.

 After years in space with only Cylons to keep him company, Baltar likes him some co-ed.

Best Little Catfight in Texas

Brittney Griner, the Baylor freshman famous for her dunks, just added a few new bullets to her resume: a short fuse and a wicked right hook. Griner tangled with Texas Tech forward Jordan Barncastle in last night's Baylor-Texas Tech game and things got a little heated. As you can see in the video, Barncastle flung Griner after the two had locked arms going for a rebound. Griner, clearly feeling that Barncastle's do-see-do skills were subpar, reacted as any entitled athlete would and punched her in the face.

Sadly for women's basketball this is one of the only clips of the sport that is likely to be shared this season. The only chance for more clips would involve Griner dunking. Given that she is likely to be suspended for a good while, we may not see that again this year.

Here's a video of Griner throwing a few down during a high school playoff game. She makes it look awful easy. Between the dunks and the punches, Griner may find she has more room to operate down low going forward. I'm not sure too many college players are going to try to intimidate her after seeing how she handled Jordan Barncastle. Better to give her the lane and get out of the way...unless you like being YouTubed.

Ackbaristan: Why Ole Miss Could Have the Greatest Mascot in Sports

If you follow the sports blogs, you may be familiar with this story already. If you don't, I'm not sure how you got here but you may still have heard the story on NPR this morning. What story? The one about the University of Mississippi considering the  adoption of Admiral Ackbar as its new mascot. I am going to give you a couple of seconds to consider how awesome that is. Need a few more as you replay this scene in your head? No worries.

And, yeah, this is for real. The students of Ole Miss voted on February 23 to replace their long-standing mascot, Colonel Reb, as he was a bit too evocative of the Confederacy and slavery and all that jazz...ok, well, not jazz but you know blatant racism. Decades after racism became "uncool," Ole Miss persisted in trotting out the Colonel during athletic events to inspire the crowd. In 2003, the university discontinued the use of Colonel Reb during games but he still fires up a mean barbecue at tail-gating events.

Sadly, for Colonel, who really is a swell guy once you get past his preference for Civil War era deodorant, times have changed. The university needs a new mascot and he is no longer fit for the role.  The young people of today want their mascots to be dressed up in a little irony. No matter how many babies he's kissed, alumni functions he's MC'd or Daughters of the American Revolution he has sired, it seems the Colonel has come to the end of his run. What may be adding insult to injury for the old-timer Colonel Reb loyalists is that he is going to be replaced with what looks like an bipedal, overcooked calamari. And, I can tell you, the fine folks standing behind the Colonel don't even like to say the word calamari with all it's papist insinuation.

But more than the look of Admiral Ackbar (who outranks the Colonel by the way), it is what he represents that galls the Ole Guard in Oxford. He is the apotheosis of multi-culturalism. What kind of name is Ackbar, anyhow? Sounds suspiciously Arab to many ears in Mississippi. Sure, he may lead the fleet of the "rebellion" and that, of course, gives the YouTube generation the dose of irony they require in their pop culture figures. But he is also the head of a multi-racial force that tosses around ranks and accolades like they were trophies in a suburban soccer league. General Calrissian? Backers of the Colonel want to know what exactly were his qualifications? Let's see: Lando ran a remote gas mining outpost too small to be noticed by the Empire (think Mayor of Butte, Montana), betrayed his old friend, felt bad about it after being double-crossed by Darth Vader (shock) and then decides, sure, he'll join the alliance so long as he gets his old ship back and is promised he can star in as many Colt. 45 commercials as he desires. And you make him a general? According to many alumni, this is exactly the kind of liberal, affirmative action agenda that Ole Miss athletics can ill-afford.

If that's what it takes to be a general, what are the requirements for admiral? That you are the one Sea Monkey that survives the toxic fish bowl purchased with sales of Grits magazine? It is preposterous according to Col. Reb loyalists. He offends their sense of history. But, of course, this overlooks the most salient fact of Admiral Ackbar's candidacy: He orchestrated the greatest upset in the history of interstellar warfare. Think about it. He took a ragtag fleet with the likes of this guy at the helms of his ships...

...and somehow managed to destroy a new, more powerful and, might I add, fully-operational Death Star with the Emperor himself on board. That would be like Ole Miss waltzing into Tuscaloosa and beating the pants off the Crimson Tide. The last time that happened? 1988. Since 1894 when Ole Miss first played Alabama, the Rebels have won nine times for an overall record of 9-43-2 in the rivalry. Let's be clear, Ole Miss needs all the help it can get. A mascot who played such a pivotal role in the upset to end all upsets can't be a bad guy to have your sidelines.

There is another problem for the Col. Reb supporters; they actually don't have that much history or tradition on their side. Sure, the Rebels have been getting pasted by Alabama for more than a century, but the mascot, Colonel Reb? He has been witnessing the beatings only since 1979. It's true. The bastion of Ole Miss tradition is younger than Space Invaders or Abba. For that matter, he is only four years older than Admiral Ackbar, the rival for his seat. It's tough to claim the high ground for tradition when you are the same age as roller blades and the Walkman.

Still, if I had to guess, there is little doubt that Admiral Ackbar will not be the mascot for the Ole Miss Rebels in the near future. Why not? Because the university would have to pillage their entire endowment just to pay for the rights to use a character created by George Lucas. In the end it comes down to money. So look for an inoffensive and unhumorous mascot to appear on the sidelines of Ole Miss games soon. If Stanford can have a spastic pine tree as their mascot, why not a shambling clump of kudzu for Ole Miss? Surely that will drive enrollment more than a beloved character from the most popular movie franchise of all time.

Lane Kiffin Just Called. What Should I Do?

It was just another ordinary Friday evening. I was trolling the Internet, posting racist comments on YouTube videos like this and this...and, of course, this. Sometimes, I just can't stop myself.

But then the phone rang. It was Lane Kiffin. He wanted to see if my son might be interested in tossing the pigskin for SC...in 2023. You see, my son is five years old. You really have to give Kiffin and his advance scouting credit. While I may have bragged about my kid's arm to friends at barbecues, birthday parties and when watching games on Saturdays...and Sundays, I had no idea word had spread so far. I suppose there is little reason to pop in the backyard DVD at halftime during the Super Bowl now.

You think I am being a braggart? No? That's not it? Oh, you think it's crazy that a coach from an esteemed school such as the University of Southern California would inquire about a little boy just half way through kindergarten? It's far from crazy people. Or have you not read about Kiffin's recruitment Delaware's David Sills? David Sills would be the 13-year-old kid who just committed to USC. You think that's a little nuts? Well, that sentiment isn't shared by all members of the media. Andy Staples of SI.com praised Kiffin's foresight.

David Sills

For those who don't want to read the whole article, here's a taste:

Kiffin's scholarship offer to a 13-year-old seventh grader has turned into a national joke, right down to the obligatory Chris Hansen/Dateline NBC references. It's positively hilarious that Kiffin -- whose just-spell-my-name-right style of attention-grabbing recruiting has earned him a reputation bigger than his 7-6 record as a college head coach -- would promise a scholarship in the class of 2015 to a player who might not shave for three more years.

I'll admit it. I chuckled, too. Until I searched for David Sills on YouTube. Then everything made sense.

Of course it did, Andy. After all, you just about jumped out of your jock the last time Kiffin did this. The last time, you ask? Oh, yeah. There was a last time. And Andy was right there to applaud Kiffin's chicken-hawking then too.

So, how did I handle the call? I told Kiffin he wasn't the first D-1 coach to have reached out to me and that he had better assemble the best faculty boosters SC has to offer if wants my son's and my consideration. I trust Kiffin will come through if his one year at Tennessee was any indication.

Sorry, NCAA, but Your 96 Will Never Be as Great as a 69.

It has been speculated for a while, but it looks like the NCAA is determined to expand the men's tournament from 65 to 96 teams and that it is now a "done deal" according to SportsbyBrooks. The move would add 31 teams to the mix and, most importantly for the NCAA, 15 more games. More games means more money and we all know this is perfectly consistent with the mission of the NCAA:

"Our purpose is to govern competition in a fair, safe, equitable and sportsmanlike manner, and to integrate intercollegiate athletics into higher education so that the educational experience of the student-athlete is paramount."
--From the Our Mission page of the NCAA

Wait, you mean adding more games and more teams to the tournament will further "integrate intercollegiate athletics into higher education?" If by integrate one means student-athletes will miss more classes, especially around mid-terms, then absolutely. The commitment these kids show by dedicating themselves both to their teams and to the professors who shape their young minds is really something else. And this says nothing about the impact the expansion will have on the student bodies of the no-longer marginal schools who will now be able to participate in March Madness. I foresee a great number of cram sessions in the carrels and dorm rooms of UMass, Drexel, Long Beach State and the like. These kids just have to get their homework done before the games begin.

Not happening, Ricky.

The best part is the number of upsets will surely increase with the greater number of .500 teams from big conferences and occasional small conference teams who are added to the mix. Actually not. It will be the same as it always is. Hope will grow like spring grass--Gosh, Jimmy, maybe we will be the Valparaiso or George Mason of the tournament this year--only to be scythed down by big-time, moneyed programs. That is reality. Last season, upsets were rare and inconsequential. In the first round the lower seed prevailed in 10 of 32 games, and three of these were 10-seeds beating 7-seeds; hardly Cinderella material. The second round? One lower-seeded team beat a higher seeded opponent, with #5 Purdue besting #4 Washington. Your heart beating faster upon recalling the game? Mine neither. (Actually, this was a good game but hardly an upset.) The Sweet Sixteen round produced eight teams, all of which were 1-, 2- or 3-seeds.

Upsets are the exception, but the NCAA markets them like they are what the tournament is all about. The tournament is all about cash. And this is why teams like my alma mater (UMass) and those from other smaller programs shouldn't get their hopes up. The field will expand to 96 but it won't be the mid-majors who benefit. It will be the middling schools from the big conferences. Think Big-10, Pac-10, Big-12, ACC, SEC Why? Because these are the schools with the big alumni associations who will throw down for the travel packages. And wouldn't you rather see fan shots of hotties from Florida State, University of Miami and Vanderbilt than those of the heifers who roll in from DePauw or North Dakota State? We thought so.

Depauw?

or Florida State?

The NCAA will go forward with this because more games means they can extract more money from whatever network bids for the tournament. The contract with CBS expires after this year's tournament. Expect ESPN and it's satellite stations--It's the upstart Coppin State Eagles facing down the Kentucky Wildcats on the Ocho!--to swoop in and secure the bid.

This won't be the end of the world as the purists will have you believe, but it won't make the tournament any better either. Was anyone really complaining about the lack of games? This change will just mean more games, more gambling, more articles about more productivity lost in the workplace and, with any luck, more shots of girls like the Seminole duo above.

As for DePauw and feeder/gainer fans everywhere, they won't be left out in the post-season cold. There's still the NIT after all. It'll be around at least until the NCAA decides to expand the tournament to 128 teams in 2018.