Think you know drug smuggling? Swallowing condoms packed with heroin? That is so 1990s. Swallowing lambskin condoms packed with heroin? That is so 1970s. Want to know how the cool kids are muling these days, check this story from the AP:
BOGOTA, Colombia — Fans worldwide have fashioned replicas of the World Cup trophy out of everything from papier-mache to plastic. But a lawbreaker in Colombia gets top prize for most original material: cocaine.
Airports anti-drug chief Col. Jose Piedrahita says that Colombian authorities found the unusual statue during a routine security check by anti-drug agents Friday in a mail warehouse at Bogota's international airport.
The 14-inch-high statue was inside a box headed for Madrid, Spain. The statue was painted gold with green stripes on the base.
Piedrahita said Saturday that laboratory tests confirmed the cup was made of 24 pounds of cocaine mixed with acetone or gasoline to make it moldable.
While, one is moved to applaud the innovative techniques employed, there are a few issues:
- The dealers clearly weren't thinking about the freebasers with their design. Gasoline-infused coke? Richard Pryor was able to light himself on fire using only coke and 151-proof rum. This could've wreaked havoc on the freebase community. And as Tony Montana once said of the cocaine business, "Don't light your fucking customers on fire, mang."
- The choice of disguise was misguided considering the country of origin. Colombia hasn't made a World Cup since 1998. The team simply hasn't been the same since the shooting of Andres Escobar in 1994. Escobar scored an own goal in the '94 Cup against the host United States and was assassinated in Medellin soon after returning home. Even the last name Escobar couldn't save him. Had the dealers shipped a replica World Cup trophy from Chile, Brazil, Argentina or either of the 'Guays, South American countries that actually qualified for the Cup, it would have been seen as the creation of enthusiastic fans. From Colombia, where they shoot people for playing soccer badly, it can only raise eyebrows.
- However, the biggest mistake the dealers made is where they were sending the trophy. Spain? WTF? Turn on your TVs, Colombian drug dealers! Everyone knows Diego Maradona is in South Africa. Man, is he going to be pissed.
"Spain?!!! F-ing Spain??!!"
Turns out the mistake wasn't in the destination, it was in the trophy itself. It should have been shipped to Madrid. However, it wasn't supposed to be a World Cup trophy; it should have been the men's championship trophy for Wimbledon. Man, is Rafael Nadal going to be pissed.
"Wait a second..."