How to Raise Money For Your Son's Little League

The Little Lefty at first base.

My son is in Little League. It has been a good season so far, though I am a little disappointed in the lack of douchery among the parents. Every game sees the parents clapping for both teams and rarely is a non-organic snack provided for the Lil' Lincecums after the game. This is not the Little League I have been reading about for years. I mean nothing like what happened last weekend just a few miles away in Vallejo. Or recently in Michigan. Man, I wish my dad had stuck up for me like James Ian Sherrill did for his kid.

Now it is fundraising time for NOLL/SOLL (North Oakland/South Oakland Little League). The parents have been getting a lot of heat about getting their donations in so I sent the following email to my family. If it inspires you, feel free to throw my son, and his Little League, a bone.

Family,

It is fund-raising time for Berch's Little League team, the White Sox. In the old days, Little Leaguers would dress in their game uniforms and shake a slotted can in front of, say, Friendly's Ice Cream, soliciting silver from the locals. Not anymore. Now, Little League does something called a Bat-a-Thon. The kids hit three balls and the coaches tape measure the hits and tally the distance. The kids--cough, parents--then send emails out and ask friends and relatives to donate a number of cents per foot. Amounts may range from 1 cent to 25 cents or higher. Sorry, no Eton emergency radios or canvas tote bags are given out for participating in the pledge drive, er, Bat-a-Thon.

If Berch were to hit a total of 100 feet with his three hits (which would indicate he is a weakling and not my son) and you pledged 15 cents per foot, you would pay...come on now...It's just a little math...Sean, I am waiting for you...Jesus Christ, $15. Stick with round numbers when you pledge, Sean.

The goal/requirement of the Bat-a-Thon is for each kid to raise a minimum of $160, which is, yes, the same cost as the league fee. Apparently, Little League is like the nightclub that charges you to leave after you paid to get in.

Let me know if you can make a pledge and how much. I will reveal Berch's hitting distance once I have the pledges secure. If you could get back to me by Friday, that would be great.

Oh, did I mention the pledge is tax-deductible? The league's Federal Tax ID is 94-2951651. Uncle Sam loves him some baseball.

Thanks in advance, and the next time you see a little kid decked out in uniform shaking a can, tell him to get an email address.

Guy

P.S. The Little League Bat-a-Thon trumped the fund-raising drive for his elementary school's quilt. Yes, I said quilt. It seems people still make quilts. Next thing you'll tell me people still crochet. China is there for a reason, people!


My brother Sean's reply:

Guy,

1 cent per foot, Guy, but I've got $ .50 per foot for anyone else on his team, just to teach dad a lesson and enjoy a nice tax break. Too bad I can't write off my betting losses. Oh well.

SL

The lesson here is that the kids win and now that I have this committed to html, my brother is bound to his pledge. By my calculations, the total number of feet hit by all the other kids on the White Sox comes to 2,414, so that's $1,207.00 my brother will be donating. Sweet. Kids who raise over $500 get a T-shirt, logo'd ski cap, water bottle, baseball bag, logo'd blanket and 4 outfield Plaza seats to the A's.

Wait, the A's?

Rather than end on that sad note, here's another picture of my son manning first base:

 Grabbing his grapes just like a big leaguer.