Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Monster in the Middle

It's true. Greg Oden, the injured starting center for the Portland Trail Blazers, has a big penis. I know, I know. You are shocked. After all, this flies in the face of all expectation. Oden is seven-feet tall, black and an NBA center. Guys like this never have huge dongs. Just ask Greg Kite; he'll tell you.

In a simpler time—a time without Twitter, without YouTube, without sports blogs—this would not be news. How could it? Instead this would be the province of players' wives, girlfriends and the team's medical staff. Reporters would note what they observed but never publish it, at least not until a book deal was secured. But now? Of course this is news and all over the blogosphere. So here I am with my two cents.

It used to be you would just joke with your buddies about the imagined, though probable, genital prowess of sports stars. Hell, the better part of Wilt Chamberlain's current fame is derived not from the fact that he scored more points than any player in NBA history but from the fact that he banged more chicks than any player in NBA history. In fact, some writers have downplayed his achievements in the court because he played against watered-down competition. None can downplay his mattress-work however, especially as the majority of his playing career took place before the sexual revolution. This means Wilt was laying the Stilt before feminists had told women it's OK to orgasm.

While few view Wilt as a social revolutionary, he was nothing but. With every white chick he nailed, he was getting one back for Jack Johnson. Naturally, after a man claims to have bedded thousands of women other men are given to speculate about his equipment. Inevitably, one of the guys on the couch will trot out the old chestnut, "It's not the size of the wand but the magic in it," and get roundly mocked for his naivete. In the end everyone would agree, "Damn I wish I was Wilt Chamberlain...except for the racism and stuff."

Now, you and your boys need speculate no further. Somewhere, out there is someone willing and able to get you the pictures you need. In this case, we can thank With Leather among countless others. To think that at one time the only ones who could answer the question, "What's bigger, Greg Oden's dong or his impact on the game of basketball?" were select groupies from Portland or Columbus. Groupies like this:

Given that Oden missed his entire rookie season, played poorly in 61 games last season and will miss the rest of this season with a broken kneecap (after just 21 games), the big man has no chance of approaching Wilt in the NBA record books. But given what we have seen, he has every chance of catching him off the court.

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